Have you ever broken up with someone...over food? A friend? Or family member? Or a (ahem)...lover? I think I'm gonna have to break up with a friend. A guy I've known for three years who is EXACTLY like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory. Endearing and funny because of what he isn't...empathetic, humble or skilled at reading social cues. And who always chooses accuracy above tact. In fact, to protect his privacy, let's just call him Sheldon.
Red Flag #1 went up a couple of years ago, when Sheldon and I decided to watch a movie at my house. Which meant a trip to the grocery store for movie snackage. Sheldon picked out a pint of Haagen Dazs. I picked out a package of sugar-free Pepperidge Farm Mint Milanos. Halfway into the movie, we'd both polished off our respective vices. Which is why, as the credits rolled, I was shocked when Sheldon looked over at my empty bag and scolded me. In his most chastising tone, he spewed "I can't believe you ate that whole bag, EJ!" As he was holding the dead Haagen Dazs carcass in his own hand. I don't remember what happened next because I suddenly had tunnel vision as every fiber of my being was screaming "Get outta my house!" I didn't say it, of course, but if looks could kill, he would have been buried next to his Haagen Dazs.
My reaction was so strong...and vile...I was sure he would never make the same mistake again. Until he did. At the wedding I recently attended in San Diego. But before I get to that, let me give you a little back story. Y'all remember my Olive Garden epiphany? When I went to the OG with a friend and read the nutrition info for the first time? And found out, to my horror, that my usual meal of two bowls of soup, 3 or 4 breadsticks and the sugar-free desert was 1,660 calories! After that, I cut out ALL breadsticks (farewell, garlicky sticks of gladness) and the blankety blank sugar-free desert, and pledged myself to two bowls of pasta e fagioli and an unsweetened ice tea with extra ice, please. For the grand total of 260 calories-per-chain-Italian-restaurant-visit. I was SO proud of myself for being informed and for finding a way to eat healthier even when eating out.
Well, Sheldon didn't agree, obviously. The last time we went to the OG together, I proudly ordered my bowl o' fagioli. And flirted with the waiter as Sheldon ordered a 3,600 calorie plate (as I kindly pointed out to him on the leather bound nutrition guide) of pasta. No problem, right? Especially as Sheldon is 6'5" with 15% body fat and a jaw line that could give you a paper cut.
But since that day, the Olive Garden has come up in every.single.conversation between the two of us. As Sheldon goes into full-on-lecture mode about the evils of all things OG. Just when I think it's safe and we're going to spend the evening talking about his new girlfriend with the peach fuzz mustache, here we go again. What was once a bi-weekly or monthly outing has been blown into an argument of epic proportion. And then...on the day of the 7-hour wedding reception/dance off...it all came to a head. When I looked down to see a text from Sheldon that went something like this:
"I've been doing some work for a nutritionist and thought you would like to know that if you eat nutrient dense foods first, you'll fill up faster and won't need to eat junk food."
My reply: "Thank you Sheldon! I've never heard that! You've just changed my life."
Sheldon: "You should watch her video clips online. I think you'd learn a lot from it."
Me: "No thanks. I know all about nutrition."
Sheldon: "Well, if you know better, why do you choose to go to Olive Garden?"
Oh no, you di'int just say that!
The texts spiraled out of control as I said some pretty nasty things. But no remorse or emotion from him. In his true Sheldon way, he sent a few more texts and then ended the conversation with an obtuse and upbeat "I'll see you when you get back!"
I haven't returned his calls or seen him since. I don't know what to say. I mean, we had this conversation after the Cookiegate incident two years ago. Do I remind him that I minored in Dietetics and Exercise Sport Science in college? That I researched and wrote scripts for an educational film company on those very topics for two years? That I taught nutrition at the high school and college level for a few years after that? Maybe if I explain to him that I've been fat for more than half my life and poured through every book ever written on diet and exercise?
And then it dawned on me. Sheldon really does think I'm fat because I don't know any better. Because I'm uninformed. I want to shake him and say "Do you think Oprah Winfrey is fat because she doesn't know better?!?"
How do you deal with the people who are convinced...convinced...that being overweight is that simple? That you can just push yourself away from the table? Or stop overeating? Or that you're fat because you don't know any better?
So, I turn to you, my beloved readers. Who read in California. And Texas. And far-away places like Iowa. And New York and New Jersey. And Germany. And every place in between. What say you? Break up or make up?
Do you have this same button? And someone in your life who makes you crazy anxious about food? Funny or sad, resolved or un-, past or present...I would LOVE to hear from you. We can start a support group. With t-shirts and everything. On the back they would read "Someone I know went to Haagen Dazs and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
Wednesday, April 14, 2010 at 09:47PM
Reader Comments (8)
My experiences is different - but the same. I have posted before on your blog (which I adore, by the way, and read over and over) about my acne problem and how people feel it is their moral duty to point out how horrible my face looks. Anyway, yeah. People also assume that because my face looks like a mangled sausage pizza that I obviously eat nothing but, you guessed it: mangled sausage pizza. Never mind that I haven't touched junk food a single time in 5 months, that I exercise regularly, that I've had food allergy tests that cut out major foods that are even considered healthy. I live on small pieces of meat, veggies, fruit, the odd nut here and there, and massive quantities of green powders. But it can't be true! I have acne. I must sit and play video games all day long while drinking mountain dew and sneaking home bags of Big Macs. Even people who have known me for years and know that I looked after my diet even when I wasn't plagued with a face-eating monster assume that I must just be ignorant about what I do to my body. Oh, and of course, I've never even heard of the miracle of Pro-Active, otherwise I'd be supermodel clear. Jessica Simpson uses it, it must be the answer! These people do not actually pay attention to the person in front of them (re: YOU) - only the arrogance and know-it-all-ness in their own little heads. Oh, yeah, and when you do lose the weight, people will automatically assume that it's because you're "lucky," not because you've poured your heart and soul into making yourself better. I guarantee it.
Oh, and I say break up :). Purging the people from your life that make you feel like that don't do anybody any favors. He'll hold you back because he'll make you feel as though what you do doesn't matter. There is no place for people like that in a healthy, happy life!
I gotta say that I agree with Sara-- he's taking up your valuable oxygen and for no good reason. Buh-bye. Spend no more energy thinking about this or him.
Elizabeth, we're had this conversation before. I think friendships are a balance: you put up with someone else's crap (and they put up with yours) because you get something from the relationship, something that is worth more to you (whatever it is) than the crap. When the crap starts to be more than what you're getting from the friendship, it's time to call it a day. Is it easy to know when that time is? Absolutely not! But I think you have clearly reached it with our Sheldon.
Now, how do you break up with him? You could just go on ignoring his texts and such, or you could confront him. He's not going to understand if you confront him, but it will give you some closure. I vote for an email confrontation. You'll be able to lay out all your feelings in print. If (when) he doesn't get it, there really is nothing more you can do.
And, if you ever need to feel this angst again, I'll send IC over to tell you that losing weight is all about willpower and motivation. ;)
EJ, I say if it ain't workin', leave it. Buh-bye. When Cathe's STS came out last year, I vowed to take it up another notch and eat better. I lost friends slowly. One by one, this entire group of women I once considered family stopped inviting me to things we used to do as a group. One by one, they started keeping me from seeing their Facebook walls. WTF? I've been into fitness for YEARS before I met them. They knew that when we all got to be friends. But I decide I quit the alcohol, cut out the sugar, greatly minimize the whites, and instead pour my heart and soul into even more iron, I get The Shunning. Wow. They make Fake Gosselin proud. Whatever. I'm keeping my eye on the prize, baby, and they are NOT it.
Break up, for sure.
I have not had quite the same experience (I found myself holding my breath part way through your post....'cause, are you kidding me?!) but I have to agree with Kara Mae. When you are getting less out of the relationship than what you put into it, it's time to end things. I've had to end a couple of toxic friendships in the past couple of years and it was not easy...but it was the right thing to do. Good luck!
Nothing makes me want to punch someone in the genitals more than a skinny friend lecturing about weight or complaining that they're fat. My hat is off to you.
I ADORE Y'ALL...all of you!!! Reading your responses, I felt like we were all sitting around in my living room, talking and laughing hysterically into the wee hours of the night. PS...my living room is open to all of you...we'll have to have an annual Living Room Ladies Late Night! Complete with cold beverages in froo-froo glasses, snacks (that no one gets to lecture us about), hair-doing, and undie freezing. And, of course, everyone's favorite...Truth or Dare.
Sara (without an "h")...I feel such a connection to you. Wherever you are, whenever you read...we are soul sisters in Blogsville.
Kara Mae...we are sisters in every sense of the word. I am filled with glee to know we will be going through our lives together and that you, two years younger than I, will ALWAYS be by my side. We would have hated each other in high school (as sisters often do) and sometimes get on each other's last nerve even now (Let's just agree to disagree, and we'll know who's right!), but thank you for not letting me get away all those years ago on 6th Street in Lubbock, TX.
Pinky...I don't know HOW you get so excited about working out but I aspire. ASPIRE! You were my first "fan" letter ever...someone who took the time to form the words that kept me going. You don't know how much that meant...I still have your letter.
Amanda...my reader from across the globe in Germany...I value your input, cherish your support, and can't wait to read about the next chapter in your life!
And Sarah (with an "h")...you win the prize at the Living Room Ladies Late Night! Nothing makes me want to punch someone in the genitals more, either! How did you know?!? I find myself bursting out in inappropriate fits of laughter in the middle of my day, with people who have no idea why, when I think of your post. Thanks for that!
I'm a little late to the party, but I agree with everyone. Put him in the 'life is too short' category and go your merry way. That way you've lost 175 pounds (or however much he weighs) quickly. At the end of the day we shouldn't see food as punishment or feel ashamed when we've eaten too much. Life happens -- Let your Sheldon go and surround yourself with people who see you for the beautiful person you are.