My mother said...
I can't even say it out loud. My mother said the word...(whispering)..."rubbers." Just as I thought...it looks as horrifying typed out as it did when she texted me. She texted me, by the way, after the Word to Ya Mutha post. "I can't believe you wrote about me in the same post as Trojan...[me whispering again]...rubbers!" Only with her West Texas accent and gentility, I imagined how it actually would have sounded coming out of her mouth. "I can't believe you wrote about me in the same post as Trojan rubbas!" And she would have whispered the word, too.
Half horrified that my mother even knew what that meant and half almost peeing in my pants with laughter, I responded immediately. "Mom, NO ONE uses that word anymore. Unless you are a 12-year-old boy."
I was a high school sex ed. teacher for several years. It wasn't unusual to see teenagers emerging from my classroom wearing the "pregnancy belly" or carrying faux babies. In college, one of my favorite classes was a human sexuality class taught by a husband and wife therapy team. Maybe because it was the only husband and wife teaching team on campus...or maybe because it was THE most scandalous class Texas Tech and Lubbock, TX, had ever seen. I've also made a habit of surrounding myself with fabulous gay men. So I'd like to think there's not much I haven't seen or heard. But nothing prepares you for the day when you hear your mom say...(whispering)..."rubbers." It was only slightly less shocking than the time I made the tragic mistake, in my 4th grade ignorant bliss, of asking where babies come from. I consider it the day my Common Era calendar changed. There was BT and AT...Before Talk and After Talk.
You know your weight loss is beginning to show when people start asking if you've done something different with your hair. I've had about seven people ask me if I've done something different with my hair this week. I want to say "Yes, I've lost 20 pounds from my face" but opt for a smile and polite sing-song-y "No, nothing" instead.
OK...WHAT happened?!? I posted the Word to Ya Mutha post around midnight on Sunday. By 1:30 a.m., 300 people had read it. By close at the end of the day, over 600 people had logged in to read. Keep in mind, I've had some days when 80 or so people were reading my blog. Some 60-something days. Some days over 100...and even a couple in the low teens. But I've NEVER had 600-plus people reading in one day. And who is reading me in the wee hours of the night?!? Either my Macbook is lulling me into a false sense of security for our four year anniversary, I'm big with the vampire crowd (in which case, I'm still on the fence as to whether I'm Team Edward or Team Jacob), or people are reading from their living rooms in a VERY different time zone.
In any event, I took a photo (a grainy iPhone photo) to mark the momentous occasion. Take a look.
The first photo is a photo of my traffic overview page. Notice the number...606!!! (This was before the 629 end-of-day total). And the second photo is a bar graph, with the bar for that day's traffic peaking high above the previous days. It was a feeling I imagine the shoemaker must have felt when he awoke the next day to find the elves had magically finished all the shoes. I must have slept three hours that night, I was so excited. Overnight, my readership shot off the chart.
So...I am going to ask a BIG favor of you, beloved readers. I want to know where you're reading from...all 629 of you. If you're in Denmark, I want to know...because a) Oprah says you are the happiest people on Earth and b) you are the fount of the world's best techno. In Australia, because I'm convinced my future husband lives there. And everywhere else because I'm wildly curious and want to riddle you with a barrage of questions about your life and customs abroad. And here's the deal...I'm going to send a thank you gift to the person who responds and lives the farthest from Los Angeles, CA.
But wait...this doesn't mean you're off the hook if you live in California...or anywhere else in the 50 states. You're just as important to me...and it will be fun to know where YOU are reading from.
That means, if you are READING THESE WORDS, I am asking you to post in the comment section. I know I know, you resist. But por favor...it's simple. Just post your first name, your city, state and country. And then watch for the winner to be announced on le blog.
And before I close, I just have to say to each and everyone of you...the magical elves who made me feel like the shoemaker...THANK YOU for reading.
I am honored.
Friday, January 29, 2010 at 11:50PM
Reader Comments (24)
I live in Chardon, Ohio! :)
KJABlue...it is the ultimate compliment that you...and the dog...are reading. My mom has a story about when my childhood dog tried to save her from a fit of laughter brought on by an episode of Mary Tyler Moore...when Mr. Grant is set up on a blind date. So you're in good company. And also with Montana4Me...whose dogs have also come to the rescue when she is rolling on the floor.
I've heard of this place called Idaho. Great potatoes, I hear. PS...I'm currently on the Potatoes, Not Prozac, program. And think of you reading in Idaho every time I eat my daily spud. Would like to know more about the other exports Idaho has to offer...but cannot seem to access YOUR blog without a special code or secret password. If you get this message, feel free to email me at Jonezie127@gmail.com and we can swap Idaho and Texas stories!
See you on Blogsville...you and the pup!
Warmest,
Elizabeth
Hi Alisha and Erica! Thanks for posting...and thrilled that you are reading, darlings. Alisha...I have family in Lincoln...near Sacramento. How close are you to there? Erica...I don't have any family, that I know of, who live in Ohio. But one of my favorite movies, Guarding Tess, is based there. Have you ever seen it?
Hi Elizabeth, I found your blog through Blog Her today and am reading it in Singapore! :)