"A common phrase used between only the best of friends to indicate a well-wishing to one's family."  This is the Urban Dictionary's definition of [translated] "word to your mother." Just looking it up increased my "street cred." I feel...credible.  

But I'd like to say a word (or several) about my mother. She flew to Houston this weekend to attend a funeral. For a family member of a family member. So I was surprised to hear from her on Friday night. It came in the form of a text that read "Is my phone working...emptied a bottle of water in purse...at funeral home...thanks for protective cover." The protective cover was one "Otterbox"...a clunky, some think ugly, iPhone case. An accessory that appeals to the scratchaphobes of the world (i.e. me). And completely protects iPhone owners from themselves. Apparently, Trojan is for condoms what the Otterbox is for iPhones. The ultimate in protection. (PS...at least this is what I gather from the hundreds of Trojan ads that find their way into my commercial breaks and magazine fluffage). 

The last cell phone my mom had took a nose dive into a red Solo cup, filled with ice water, that lives omnipresently in her SUV cupholder. Two minutes after the $300 iPhone purchase, I clicked the "complete purchase" button on my Amazon cart and sealed the deal for two matching Otterboxes. What's the saying? "Fool me once, shame on you? Fool me twice, shame on me?" The same holds true for water damage. And I wasn't taking any chances.

This time, the watershed moment occurred inside the funeral home, during a time that is meant to somber and sacred, when a full bottle o' water mysteriously ended up without a lid in my mom's handbag. She only noticed it after she felt something dripping on her foot. Only to open the offending bag and find it three inches deep with Dasani. No telling how many people she'd dripped upon. She squeaked and ran to the back of the room to minimize the damage. I haven't heard the whole story yet. I don't know if she poured it into a ficus or guzzled it before anyone noticed. But the visual fills me with glee.

This is the same woman who spit gum on a priest. Her gum. During...or after...a wedding in Canada. Apparently, she was talking to said holy man when the gum popped out of her mouth. The best part? He caught it. And discreetly handed it back to her. Continue conversation.

And still the same woman who tossed her cookies in the back seat of a relative stranger's car in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Into a plastic bag which she then held in her lap until they made it to a trash can. Did I mention my mom gets carsick driving from the house to the grocery store across the street? If she's in the back seat? Well, on this day, she was coming back from dinner with some business associates. A man she'd met during that trip was driving...with respective spouses in tow...driving along a long, winding road that was apparently the only way from point A to point B. I'm sure it was only a few minutes in when the cookie tossing occurred. As there were no shoulders, or trash cans, to speak of, she thought it the polite thing to hold the bag in her lap until she could discreetly empty it at the hotel. OK...I abhor littering. But if I've got a bag o' barf in my hands, I wouldn't be able to toss it out of the window fast enough. Plastic ozone-depleting bag and all.

But wait, there's more. The driver, unsympathetic to my mother's plight and only thinking of himself, turned ghost white and immediately asked "Do you think it was something we ate?" As if it was going to turn into the Family Guy ipecac episode at any moment. She assured him it wasn't. I would have played that for all it was worth. "I totally think it was the filet mignon. Are you feeling funny?"

PS...I've obviously inherited some of these quirks from my mother. I too, am dangerous around water. Ask Kara how many times I've knocked a full glass of ice water (usually hers) into her side of the booth at a restaurant. I think four. Each time more hilarious (for me, at least) than the last. Not so hilarious for her, apparently. I can't describe the look an only-child-Cosmo-reading-librarian can give at times like this, but it's the closest to death I've ever come. But we can laugh now, right?!?

Right?

Speaking of Kara, I was thinking of her today. She's my #1 reader. So, I'd like to send a shout out to her. Hi Kara Mae! I'd also like to send a shout out (I feel like I'm calling Rick Dees on the Weekly Top 40) to Nancy, Susi, Erin, Chris, Cooper, Gordo, Louie, Hunter (and baby Misa), Mari D. and Anya...who I know, for a fact, are everyday readers and supporters. I couldn't adore you more!

And I know there are more friends and family out there who stop by on occasion (usually to relive with me a post I've written about them). You know who you are. I adore you, too. Obviously so...you are post-worthy.

To the people who have loved my writing enough to feature my blog on their blogrolls...I am truly honored.

Another shout out to Kate, a friend I've met on a fitness forum called The Cathe Nation. Who feeds her one-year-old in the wee hours of the night and reads my blog. God love ya, Kate. I can barely handle an obstinate Shih Tzu, let alone three kids under the age of 10.

And one to Katie (I hope it is, in fact, spelled with an "ie")...Simon and Schuster Katie...who somehow found my friend, Kara, in Boston, Massachusetts, while she was attending a Cosmo-reading librarian's conference (Ok...I added the Cosmo-reading). I don't know HOW in the world you found my Kara, in a restaurant, no less...but it filled me with GLEE to know you talked about my blog with my best friend in my favorite city. GLEE. PS...she is the source of much of my inspiration, or at least the mayhem and foolishness that seems to spontaneously combust when we are together.

And finally, the biggest shout out of all...to my MOM! You are my Lucy Ricardo, kid. Thanks for picking me to be your Ethel Mertz. Let's see what mischief we can get into in the next episode.

Comments

[KaraMae]

In Arkansas, and probably Texas, that would be "how's your mama and them?" I'm just sayin'. I heart your mom! I do not heart a glass of ice cold water spilled on my lap-- you deserved every bit of stink eye you got for those! ;)

[Cooper]

Oh shucks...I feel so warm and fuzzy. This is the first time I've been included in a blog. Love ya back girl.