I went knife shopping on Monday. Only it turned out to be more like a machete. A veggie machete. It all started when I decided to eat clean. Some of you are wondering "what the heck is eating clean?" Well, as most of you know, I've been slowly but methodically eliminating one vice after another from my diet. First, it was the Diet Cokes. Well, carbonated sodas of all kinds, actually, but Diet Coke was my afternoon lover for the last 10 years. Goodbye, lover. Then it was refined sugar. If Diet Coke was my afternoon lover, refined sugar (and by that, I mean all things chocolate) was my mother, my father, my best friend, my husband, my partner in crime and my god. I feel like Kate Winslet prying away Leo Dicaprio's frozen fingers in Titanic. I'll never let you go, Ja---I mean---chocolate. And the last vice to go was the artificial stuff. Somehow my brain thought that eating an entire box of sugar-free Eskimo Pies or a bag of sugar-free Oreos was okay, especially considering artificial sweeteners have a way of cleaning out your system, if you know what I mean. My penance for sugar-free sin, I suppose.
And now I'm left with the daunting task of eating clean. For those of you who have not heard of this movement, it is not only the elimination of all things white, refined, and chemical (as in flour, sugar and sodas), it is also the ixnay of any food you can get in an oxbay, basically. (That's "box" for those who don't speak Pig Latin. And my mother). That means no more Lean Cuisines for me, friends. It's food in it's purest form...lots of lean protein, fruits and veggies. That's where the machete comes in.
If you haven't met me, let me introduce myself. Hi, I'm Elizabeth Jones and I hate to cook. Or, as they say in the South, I hayte it. But here's the funny part. I love love love going to kitchen stores. Love. Shopping for clothes is my idea of hell. But mention a kitchen store and I can't get to the car fast enough. Just the sight of all the latest and greatest kitchen gadgets in their purest, most undefiled form...still in their boxes...not yet tainted by the wear and tear that awaits them. No...everything in the kitchen store is exciting and new...like The Love Boat. And I want to come aboard!
But here's where my plan falters. Have you ever read the children's book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? Well, let me read an excerpt from my book If You Give an Obsessive Compulsive a Cookbook. I go to the bookstore to find the Clean Eating series (by Tosca Reno if you're interested). Ooohhh, pretty, new books that sparkle on the shelves, begging to be taken home so they can change my life. Three books and $60 later, I'm on my way. I pour through the books, filled with beautiful photos of roasted garlic, stuffed pumpkins, and peach cobbler smoothies. And realize I am going to, for the first time in my life, have to cook. Not only cook, but plan, prep and find the answer to world peace.
So I go to the kitchen store, a place in Pasadena called Sur La Table. Is it pronounce Sir-La-Tobla or Sir-La-Tob...no one really knows. But it is the most fabulously fu-fu kitchen store around. And the knife selection is vast. I pick out a 7" Japanese work of art...a Shun knife. I guess you could say I've been Shunned. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I'm going to hang it on my wall and recreate the Body Guard scene with Kevin Costner someday. Kidding, just kidding. Kevin's married.
So, here's where the OCD part comes in. I've got the cookbooks, got the knife. Now I'm going to need to make a grocery list. After I read the three Tosca books in their entirety. But I've got a day job and can't read them in their entirety today. Ok...so I've got to make a list. And go shopping. But before I go shopping, I need to clean out the refrigerator. Not just the one gallon of Simply Grapefruit, the single pear, the newly opened package of turkey bacon and the can of dog food. No...I need to scrub the fridge from head to toe if it does, in fact, contain the secret to enlightenment. It's like the Ark of the Covenant, apparently.
If I'm going to scrub the fridge inside and out, I probably need to clean out the cabinets, too. After all, they house the dishes from the fu-fu kitchen store that the secret to enlightenment is served upon. And I'll need to mop the floor. And I should probably call the guy to have the carpets cleaned while I'm at it. And clean out the bedroom closet. Oh...and scrub the bathroom. Where was I? Oh yeah, making a grocery list.
Lean Cuisines are looking better by the minute.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 10:49AM
Reader Comments (4)
I'd also recommend 'Clean' by Alejandro Junger and 'the Ultimate PCOS Handbook' by Colette Harris. Both books are simple and all about being clean.
PS -- where did you get your knife?
Machetes R Us
Kidding...Sur La Table
Shoot, I'll cook for you if you'll come clean my house like that! I'd call it fair, wouldn't you?