Sitting on the floor in the self-help section of Borders the other day, I picked up a book titled Addicted to Unhappiness. I picked it up, mind you, because I thought it would be the perfect thing to pass along to someone else...a family member who is obviously addicted to a marriage she herself would describe as m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e and who talks about it for hours on end to anyone and everyone who will listen without doing a thing about it. It's always other people who need help, you know, from the self-help section...not myself. Except that while smugly flipping through the pages, I spotted a chapter called Conquering Your Resistance to Achieving Physical Well-Being. And there it was in black and white. A checklist of excuses that sounded like they came from my mouth. Excuses people (i.e. me) use when they're knee deep in Entenmann's boxes and Blue Bell ice cream cartons. Excuses like "I don't have time to exercise," "I eat to alleviate stress," and "This one little fill-in-the-blank won't hurt me any." How did they know?!? These genius authors. Who read my mind and busted me on every excuse I've ever used.
While I won't go so far as to say I'm addicted to unhappiness, I will confess that I'm addicted to the lifestyle. Not the lifestyle of the rich and famous. But the lifestyle of the fat and comfy.
Intrigued and a little unsettled by the word "addicted," I looked it up on Thesaurus.com. Here's what T.com had to offer for synonyms: attached, disciplined, familiar with, grooved, habituated, habituated in, in the habit, settled in, trained, unhealthy confidence and wedded to. Interesting, very interesting. Discipline? That's a word I would never have associated with addiction. Maybe I'm uber disciplined and never realized it! I mean, I've disciplined myself to jump in the car every night for the last how-many-ever years for a nightly road trip to the grocery store to pick up just enough sinful sustenance to last 24 hours, only to do it again the next night. Second verse, same as the first. I've got the Shih Tzu convinced there is nothing sweeter than the sound of my car keys. He's taking his driving test next week.
I've also disciplined myself to watch hours of tv a day, to take up napping as a favorite hobby, to keep a seriously clean bachelorette pad, and to stress enough to fuel an entire planet.
Maybe...just maybe, I've got the discipline of G.I. Jane and never knew it. And now I've just got to harness my powers for good instead of evil. Wonder Twins...activate! Well, a little less evil, at least...I'm not ready to go cold turkey on the naps and I just bought a 40" flat screen. It would be a shame to just let it sit there.
Sunday, October 11, 2009 at 07:30PM 
Reader Comments (2)
You are simply wonderfully brilliant Ms. Jones! You are so loved!
I have spent the last 2 hours reading your blog. I started at the wrong end and finally went all the way to the beginning. You know I loved the "Where's the Coke?" reference. It has been raining in Fort Worth all day. It would be a perfect day to be with you and share conversation, laughter and breakfast at IHOP. I would truly love to be cutting your ham right now.
I am probably your fattest friend. When you first met me, I was about 460 lbs. You judged me for what I was as a human being, not by how I looked. That is your real beauty, seeing people for what they are deep down inside. I am proud to say that I have lost 175 lbs and continue to do so. The last time I saw you, I had lost 100 lbs. I really enjoyed the time spent with you at dinner that evening. You would be pleased to know that Sara has lost 75 lbs. and has gone from a size 22 to a size 8. She is a changed person and I am so proud of her.
I am very proud of you. Putting yourself out there in a public way, sharing your vulnerability, making yourself accountable to the world for your weight loss journey - it really shows what a strong person you are. Your friendship is valued like a precious jewel and I love you very much.