My grandmother told me once that if I ate one more bite of cookie dough, I was gonna get worms. I was eight. And to that point, had led a sheltered life. The only other time I'd heard anyone talk about worms was in reference to the neighbors' dog, who I'd seen on more than one occasion doing figure 8's on their living room carpet. I remember contemplating for a brief moment, spoon of raw Nestle Tollhouse goodness in one hand. But decided I was willing to risk it...even if it meant having to downsize my social calendar temporarily so I could stay close to home, and my grandmother's oriental rug. That's how much I loved...correction, love...raw cookie dough. What do you do when you love food THAT much?
Whoever said no news was good news was a big fat liar. Because if I had good news, I would be writing every.single.day. In fact, the only time you know there is trouble is if I'm quiet. And lately, I've been holed up in my apartment like friggin' Boo Radley. Minus the scissors. I'm gonna start ordering my groceries online so I never have to leave the house.
I was convinced that the 60 pounds would be a distant memory by now. But I've only lost a third of it. I fluctuate between 20 and 27 pounds lost. I fear I'm gonna look like Crystal Gayle before I get around to booking Hair Appointment #6.
Please tell me why. Why someone with a master's degree who graduated with highest honors and made a 4.0 the last two years of her academic life cannot figure this out? Why I would rather spend my 12 weeks of summer vacation watching Real Housewives marathons than train for a marathon? Why the thought of spending yet another year in flowing Chico's traveler's pants doesn't scare me straight?
The words "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" have been ringing in my head every time over the past three weeks that I've started to write this entry. OMG...I hate that saying! But the last thing I want to do is to be THAT girl...that voice that chimes in with all the other voices that claim weight loss is this impossible, elusive thing out there. Because I absolutely don't believe that! I'm just having a colossal (but temporary) pity party for one and wonder if anyone wants to wallow in misery with me. Please let there be someone out there who a)shares my love for raw cookie dough and/or TV marathons and b)will get down in the mud with me and wallow. Just one really good, smelly story? Please post your comments below. :)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010 at 01:42AM
Reader Comments (6)
Oh my. I could have written this! First of all, this summer I've made up three or four batches of cookie dough (my grandmother's recipe) and eaten it raw. Sweets are my weakness. Okay, and fried foods, but I tend to go on sugar kicks where I NEED a particular sweet to be "happy." Chocolate chip cookie dough has been that particular thing this summer. I think I'm over it now, but just typing these words is resurfacing the longing. So we'll speak of it no more, okay?
And let me just say that we want to hear the good AND the bad from you. I think everyone reading this blog understands just how hard it is to lose weight. To start a new diet... again. To swear this isn't a diet but an eating plan for life this time. To hit snooze again while swearing we're going to put on our workout clothes the minute the alarm goes off the next time. We want you to tell us about those things, and, hopefully, about how you conquered them victoriously. Remember that losing weight is a journey, not a race, and we're here for the journey with you. With YOU. Hugs, EJ. Many, many hugs.
Hi Jonezie!
I feel your pain! Really! I love KARAMAE's comments above, too! It is about the journey! When you reach that goal, you'll be wondering, "What's next?" You WILL accomplish this mission! I just read a blog post about self-affirmations. You need to voice some of those every day! I'm going to try it - at least 3 per day of positive things to say about myself.
You see, although I have reached my goal weight, I'm still at the higher end with my body fat and my muscle definition is suffering from it, so you are not alone out there! I'm slacking on my eats enough to make a difference in my abdominal flab!
We're in this fight together! You are not out there alone! Keep up the good fight! When you fall, pick yourself back up, assess the situation and figure out why you fell and avoid that particular circumstance. Man, I wish I were as good at taking my own advice as I am at giving it!
Hang in there!
Tricia
I blame the Real Housewives. They are simply too appalling to look away. Who knows what kind of shenanigans they'll get in to as soon as I leave for my pre-planned, best-of-intentions walk (with timed intervals of jogging)?
But really, 27 or 20 pounds is amazing progress! I'm going to keep reading your blog cuz I "like the cut of your jib" and I wanna hear about your journey through the haircuts!
Thanks for the replies, you guys! Tricia, my loyal reader and fellow Cathlete...thanks for the kind words. JMR...you are SO right! Those damn housewives! I CANNOT look away. And Kara, I'm now officially convinced. It's not going to be mom or grandparents who are the first to meet me in Heaven. But you...with a tube of raw Pillsbury cookie dough. Which, in Heaven, of course...will be calorie/worm free. Oh wait, I'm older than you. OK...I'll bring the cookie dough.
Hey there! I will join in the pity party - so move over!! My problem is not with weight, but with acne. I've mentioned it here once or twice :). I have spent the last 7 months eating like a SAINT. I have been doing fasts, liver cleanses, spending all of my (and my parents' and my SO's) money on doctor after doctor after doctor. I was doing Levulan treatments on my face only to end up with a nasty staph infection (AND impetigo AND dermatitis) after my last one. Every good it had done in the past has been undone 10 times over. To say that I'm miserable is an understatement. I do everything possible not to leave the house, watching TV I can't stand just to try to distract myself. I'm 30 years old and I have to endure the nasty comments and stares of teenagers and adults alike whenever I leave the house. It hurts. I cannot get my acne under my control, regardless of the discipline I have. What hurts even more is that even if my acne were to go away, I am disfigured by the scarring. I know scarring can be helped, but not scarring of this degree. It may be improved, but it won't fundamentally change. I've been mourning this for a year now, and I have to start accepting that nothing can be done about it. I haven't yet, but it's on my to-do list. This feeling of never being able to accomplish a goal regardless of how many years of hard work I've put in is a devastating feeling. It makes me feel out of control and like a complete failure. Anyway, the point of my story is that you're not alone. We all have issues that consume our lives (some more than others!).
You WILL figure it out, even if it didn't happen in the exact timeframe you expected. You have come so incredibly far already. If you haven't completely given up you have succeeded. I feel that those of us who were always good in school tend to try to make our lives fit the structure of academic life. We succeeded at that, so if we just organize everything else to look like school, we'll be fine and pass with flying colors. I'm guilty of doing that with EVERYTHING. Your weight isn't a homework assignment that needs to be handed in for a final grade by Friday at 5. I tend to put myself on a schedule and then if it isn't "complete" (perfectly, by my type-A standards) by my deadline, I feel like I've failed and give up all together. My other problem is that I cannot concentrate on anything else until I've fixed a "problem." My life has come to standstill for an entire year now. Be grateful that your weight is entirely reversible. Regardless of not losing (and even gaining) at this moment, it will come off later.
You'll get there. Just don't go backwards. Take everything you've learned that works for you and milk it for all its worth. Along the way, you'll find the other pieces to the puzzle and it will all work together perfectly. No, I lied. It won't work perfectly; it never does. But it will work well enough to get you to your goal. I'm not going to say that you should enjoy the journey, even though I think you should. I'm not capable of that. I'm very results-oriented, so I know how it feels to get hung up on the finish line. We can only work on it!
Oh, and I used LOVE LOVE LOVE raw cookie dough. The cookie dough blizzard at Dairy Queen was always my all time favorite. If I were to have some of that Tollhouse goodness now, I'd probably eat the entire package. Oh, and I wouldn't worry about worms. It's the salmonella that'll kill ya! ;) Take care!!
Ohhh...first off, chocolate chip cookie dough is better than chocolate chip cookies to me. I actually made it to the 50lb mark last year (my goal was 60 as well) and I've been up anywhere between 10-15lbs. I don't even want to look at the scale right now as I'm sick and eating a ton of calories and no means to burn it off. Do you think its an escape feeling from life where you want to watch housewife marathons instead of training? I'm just so overwhelmed in every aspect of my life -- research, husband, house, family back home, the evil scale -- that sometimes I just need to shut down and food has always been such a good friend to chill with. And to make matters worse, I love what I cook. Most of my food is pretty healthy, but I don't have portion control! And after a day of every experiment not working, how can you not turn to comfort food? I can't give you words of comfort, but I can say that I'm right next to you in this pity party! But we'll eventually get out of it when pull out our next Cathe dvd...