Ok...ok...so I was never a farm girl. I grew up in university town with 250,000 people, grocery stores the size of small college campuses, and Sonic drive-ins on every corner. But the frumpy part is true. And there is a cotton farm within 15 miles of any point in Lubbock, Texas. So, technically...
At home on 2818 Maxwell Drive with my mamacita AND retired grandparents, I was gleaning my fashion sense from the Golden Girls, my conservatively dressed legal-secretary-by-day-mom-by-night mom, and a grandmother who had long ago turned in her gloves, hat and silk stockings for an apron and sensible shoes. I adored and idolized them, and if they were wearing the Team Jones uniform, I wanted one, too! But what might look stunning on two Jones family matriarchs and four retirees in Miami doesn't exactly translate to a teenager's wardrobe. One summer, I actually wore a bright yellow terrycloth short set with...wait for it...panty hose and open toe sandals!!! They were sheer toe, but you get the whole, horrific picture.
That was in middle school. Here is a list of the 10 most atrocious crimes of fashion I've committed since then:
1. Sweats to Mr. Womack's Economics class every single day of senior year
2. Stirrup pants, which I still secretly love
3. Peg leg pants, you know, where you roll up your jeans so tight at the bottom you look like a denim MC Hammer. Can't touch this? Believe me, no one wanted to.
4. Baggy jeans. Butt flat as a pancake.
5. Pink frosted lipstick
6. Broomstick skirts that covered every inch of the gams on my 5'4" frame. They actually skimmed the floor when I walked.
7. The "uniform." Some of you are like "uniform?!?" "What in the world is she talking about?!?" And the rest of you are nodding your head in collective agreement. The uniform is the universal sign of fat-girl-given-up. It means having five pairs of flowing Chico's pants and wearing them to work EVERY day. Oh, and then the same t-shirt and cotton capri pants on nights and weekends.
8. A bandana-red-denim-vest-skirt-outfit that Kara swears I used to wear but don't remember. I think she has mixed up the crocheted bunny vest (yes bunnies) with fringe (yes fringe) and the bandana red capri pants.
9. High-wasted shorts that went to the knee. See photo below.
10. And...brace yourself, people...socks with sandals.
Gotta run to the dentist but I've got photos and a legitimate explanation to share when I get back. Stay tuned.
Later that afternoon...
Good news! The dentist says I'm in no danger of losing any teeth. Phewww...sometimes I have nightmares about that very thing. New, darling dentist. With kind eyes and a sweet smile and lots of compliments about my "pretty teeth." Great! Good teeth, big hair and Fred Flinstone feet. Well, that's half the battle right there. Take that, fat! You haven't gotten the best of me.
So I promised you photos:
And an explanation. Ok, I know that there are entire movements dedicated to the wrongness of wearing socks with sandals. In my defense, I only do it when I'm walking the pup pup in my own back yard or, in the case of this photo, when it's so freakin' cold in San Francisco that its socks and sandals or hypothermia. I'm sure some of you would choose hypothermia.
SO NOW WHAT? At the risk of sounding cliché, that was then and this is now. As Nina says it, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good. Although I still consider The Golden Girls my TV family, I think Bill and Giuliana and Sex and the City are more the look I'm going for. I will never pay $500 for a pair of shoes or be a slave to the latest trends. But I look at these woman, at how comfortable, confident and free they are in their own skin, and vow to walk a new walk. And I will...just five more appointments to go!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 09:45AM
Reader Comments (5)
Yep! Remember that red bandana/denim vest-skirt outfit you used to wear? Enough said really... ;) Not that I, of the solid separates and Birkenstocks, have much room to comment. Hi, Pot! I'm Kettle! LOL!
Lord -- the 'fat' uniform. Ugh, you've motivated to get my ass out of the chair and get some exercise! Can't wait to see your new, skinny uniform ---
I am LOVING this!!!!!!
Elizabeth! I've just started reading tonight and I couldn't stop. It was like reading a fun novel. You definitely have the talent. Keep it up, both the transformation and the writing!
Have you seen the latest leggings from the Gap -- they're called Lounge Leggings. OMG! I call them the fat girls dream --- bad bad bad.