The good news? I've maintained the weight loss...despite a few birthday Eskimo Pies (sugar free, of course) and a visiting mamahla. That's right. My mom is visiting from Texas. The maternal unit. The one who brung me into this party called life.
But I have recently discovered something horrific. Brace yourself, people. Sit down even. I have recently discovered that my middle toe is growing longer than it's phalange partners. OMG!!! How did this happen?!? More importantly, when did it happen? I went to bed with normal (and pretty cute, if I may say so myself) feet just last week. Well, I don't know if they were exactly normal...but cute, yes. And now, I've got a glaring middle-toe mishap. I've become obsessed with this new digital development, pointing it out to unsuspecting family and friends and then watching very closely to see their facial reactions. And I'm convinced it's growing exponentially, like Pinocchio's nose. Every time I tell a story, my middle toe grows another centimeter longer. Only I don't think I've fibbed much the last week. Although I have thought of chocolate 477 times. Maybe every time I think of chocolate...
What's next? Will my toes soon be the same length as my foot? I can see the tabloid headlines now. "Neanderthal Women Discovered Living in Suburbs." The paparazzi will have a field day when they snap my photo trying on Shaquille-O'Neal-size-23 shoes, just waiting for the money shot of my naked foot. And, of course, my poor mother will have to go into hiding.
In any event, it's time for damage control. I'll still have to get pedicures, of course. But I will certainly have to find a pedicurist who knows...maybe even embraces...my middle toe and doesn't shriek every time she pulls off my shoe. And speaking of shoes...it's going to have to be closed toe, of course, the rest of my life. Little black dresses with pearls. And sneakers.
Saturday, October 24, 2009 at 10:52AM
Reader Comments (3)
I think you should name it! Something like toeus-maximus! Actually all of us at work have noticed this phenomeon way before you caught on. We've been talking about that freak toe for ages. Can't believe you took so long to see it. Don't worry - we still love you.
I want to see a picture!
Okay...Cooper. As soon as I get a pedicure next week!