DARLINGS...THE NEW WEBSITE:

WWW.THELIPSCHTICK.COM

Things I haven't done in a month:

• Slept
• Set foot in Target 
• Had a pedicure, complete with Chocolate Moose polish
• Written

It's because I'm having a baby. Well, not a baby baby. You gotta have a Baby Daddy for that.

I'm having a blog baby.

60 Pounds in 6 Haircuts will be renamed, relocated, and revamped in the next month. It started when a reader make a constructive comment about the reverse type on the blog. Followed by my already growing frustration at the search terms people were using to find me, including:

• Haircuts
• Haircuts for Women in Their 60's
• Do Shih Tzu Haircuts Change Attitude?
• And Haircuts to Distract People From the Glare of Adult Braces 

So I took out a small business loan, hired an actual web designer who deserves a friggin' medal for putting up with me over the last six weeks, and a "web architect" who never cracks a laugh unless you do Fat Guy in a Little Coat for him. And spent every night of the last month-and-a-half cutting the insides out of TV sets, writing copy, and finding just the right images for all.11.pages of the new website. That includes five blog pages. 

Things to look forward to: More fat talk, Chewbacca, Prairie Dog Town, egg rolls, big hair, and angry snakes. 

So, please be just a little more patient with me, and I'll be announcing and forwarding you to the new fabulous site in 2-4 weeks. And I'll be back with updates!

MWAH!!!

Any woman knows trying on clothes can be hazardous to your health. Any woman over a size 6, that is. The dressing rooms. The fluorescent lights. The full length mirrors. The horror.

But my mother (she's my "mother" when she's done something that borders on ridiculous and totally hilarious) is proof positive. She BROKE her toe trying on clothes.

I get a text..."I think I broke my toe."

Convinced she is being hyperbolic, I go back to napping. 2 hours later, I find out...no, she really did break her toe. Her second toe on her left foot. But wait, it gets better. She broke it when she was a) trying on leggings to match a fabulous new dress she'd bought, b) hopping around on one foot trying to get leggings off, and c) caught said toe in the hole of a laundry basket. That's right. She broke it at home. Wrestling a laundry basket lurking in the closet. While trying on new clothes. They say most accidents happen within 5 miles from the home. Well...

And it gets even better. The next morning, when she finally decided it was broken and she had to go to a doctor, my dad (who doesn't drive anymore) said "Will you run across the street and get me a cup of coffee before you drive yourself to Urgent Care?" So much for men taking care of women when they are sick (or broken).

And still better, she is now wearing a big black boot. Which she has happily decided goes perfectly with her new outfit. 

Dear Southwest Airlines,

Would I risk death for you? If it means peanuts, bags fly free, and a flight attendant that can make me laugh out loud, then yes. Yes, I would.

Maybe I love you because you, too, were born and raised in Texas.

Maybe I love you because you are the only airline that offers 737 service to Lubbock International Airport. I don't know why you're the only one. We have Texas Tech University, the Buddy Holly Museum, and Prairie Dog Town. The prairie dogs alone warrant at least two major airlines. But the others only offer "shuttle service." Like American Eagle. I think it's cute they went with "Eagle." If you've ever traveled on an American Eagle, then you know it's really more like a fledgling sparrow you're praying makes it past the first five minutes out of its nest.

Maybe I love you for the free bags and peanuts. Honestly, you could charge me $500 for a flight as long as my bags fly free. You're the only one who seems to understand...people don't want to KNOW they are paying $25 a piece for their bags to sit below them in cargo. It's not rocket science. Just charge everyone $50 more and tell them their wartorn luggage flies free.

And the peanuts...don't even get me started on the peanuts. If you offered me a bag filled with 17 peanuts on the street, I'd throw them back at you. But put a 36,000 foot wedge between me and the ground and offer up two bags of honey roasted nuts and you're my new bestie. Plus, it gives me a chance to meet the one group of people possibly more high strung than I. People with peanut allergies. Don't worry...I'm not about to ingest right next to someone whose windpipe I might cause to close. But sometimes it's fun to crinkle my unopened peanut bag within earshot, just to see them freak out. Ahhh...makes me feel like home.

But nothing makes me love you more than your flight attendants. The guy on my flight home this weekend actually read the safety instructions entirely in hillbilly. With just a peppering of Bill Clinton and Ricky Bobby. He actually said "shake-and-bake." I.am.never.leaving.you.  

So, would I risk being sucked out of a 5-foot hole in the fuselage at 36,000 feet? You bet. But I am going to keep my seatbelt fastened at all times now.

***New web address:

www.TheLipSchtick.com

If you're just joining us, we're talking today about the Hug and Sniff. When it comes to memory formation, nothing is more powerful than the combination of senses olfactory and tactile. The well-executed Hug and Sniff is sure to create a lifelong memory for both giver and receiver...and works on:

• Celebrities
• Former Secretaries of State
• A man you've just met (who's got potential)
• A man you've just left (who never realized his potential)
• Your mom
• An especially endearing citizen senior 
• Your Japanese dog groomer
• Tim Gunn
• & anyone with whom you want to share a tender moment, forced or otherwise 

STEP 1: Approach and assess. Feel out the situation. If the subject is traveling with security, Mace or a restraining order against you, it's going to be a little trickier. Sometimes it helps to say "I'm gonna hug ya" with outstretched arms and Yogi Bear-like voice. Sometimes not. This will be a call you'll have to make on a case by case basis. 

STEP 2: Always go for full frontal. A lame side hug will leave you kicking yourself and wanting more. In the event of a side hug, step back, look the subject in the face, and announce that you'd like The Full Frontal Do-Over. 

STEP 3: Stay in your body. Your first instinct when performing the Hug and Sniff on the father of your future children and/or Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be to freak out, go catatonic, or leave your body. Don't. Stay there. No one's ever died from a Hug and Sniff. 

STEP 4: Find the nook. The trick to pulling off the perfect Hug and Sniff is familiarizing yourself with, and forming yourself to, the other person's body. You've only got one second to do this. You'll need the remaining time to actually enjoy the hug and execute the sniff. Your chin should always rest gently in the nook of the neck. Unless it's going to mess up the hair. Then you go for the side of the face, being careful not to impale yourself or your party with their own earring.  

STEP 5: The sniff is always silent. 

STEP 6: Know when to leave and when to linger. Two seconds is too short. And, unless it's your mom, 10 seconds is too long. If your subject seems uncomfortable, or The Cranberries cue up in the background, your linger is too long. Know when to let go. But remember, you want to give the other person plenty of time to hug and sniff you, too.  

STEP 7: Blame it on your state and/or Southern Hospitality (I capitalize because it's an institution). If you come away from the Hug and Sniff with any residue of awkwardness, just say "I'm from [insert your state here]." Blaming it on your state of origin always works. Unless you are committing a crime or embarrassing yourself. Then keep the word "Texas" out of your mouth, please.    

STEP 8: Refrain. This is NOT to be confused with the Scratch and Sniff. Unless we're talking banana-scented Trapper Keeper stickers, keep your fingers, and dignity, to yourself. 

STEP 9: Remember, "I'm gonna squeeze the stuffin' out of you" is just an expression. At no point should stuffing actually come out of anyone. Please see last line of Step 3.

STEP 10: Reflect. The seconds immediately following a Hug and Sniff are perhaps more important than the maneuver itself. Great Hugs and Sniffs in history have been ruined in the 10th step. Never follow up with "God, you smell good," "I'm your biggest fan," or "Can I have your autograph? Right here...so I can have it permanently tattooed on my body?" Even if you are on Team Jacob and just hugged and sniffed friggin' Jacob. DON'T ruin it! The Hug and Sniff IS the reward. Sometimes, it's just best to break and stare into each others eyes while backing away slowly. In silent and mutual recognition of what just happened.

You might ask "Can a Hug and Sniff be repeated?" Yes, on rare occasions. And then, only if you hug and sniff to the other shoulder. But this is more the exception than the rule. Never assume a second unless you are European or a stalker. 

If you would prefer a live demonstration of the perfect Hug and Sniff, please contact the inventor (that would be me) at Jonezie127@gmail.com.