If you're just joining us, we're talking today about the Hug and Sniff. When it comes to memory formation, nothing is more powerful than the combination of senses olfactory and tactile. The well-executed Hug and Sniff is sure to create a lifelong memory for both giver and receiver...and works on:
- Celebrities
- Former Secretaries of State
- A man you've just met (who's got potential)
- A man you've just left (who never realized his potential)
- Your mom
- An especially endearing citizen senior
- Your Japanese dog groomer
- Tim Gunn
- & anyone with whom you want to share a tender moment, forced or otherwise
STEP 1: Approach and assess. Feel out the situation. If the subject is traveling with security, Mace or a restraining order against you, it's going to be a little trickier. Sometimes it helps to say "I'm gonna hug ya" with outstretched arms and Yogi Bear-like voice. Sometimes not. This will be a call you'll have to make on a case by case basis.
STEP 2: Always go for full frontal. A lame side hug will leave you kicking yourself and wanting more. In the event of a side hug, step back, look the subject in the face, and announce that you'd like The Full Frontal Do-Over.
STEP 3: Stay in your body. Your first instinct when performing the Hug and Sniff on the father of your future children and/or Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be to freak out, go catatonic, or leave your body. Don't. Stay there. No one's ever died from a Hug and Sniff.
STEP 4: Find the nook. The trick to pulling off the perfect Hug and Sniff is familiarizing yourself with, and forming yourself to, the other person's body. You've only got one second to do this. You'll need the remaining time to actually enjoy the hug and execute the sniff. Your chin should always rest gently in the nook of the neck. Unless it's going to mess up the hair. Then you go for the side of the face, being careful not to impale yourself or your party with their own earring.
STEP 5: The sniff is always silent.
STEP 6: Know when to leave and when to linger. Two seconds is too short. And, unless it's your mom, 10 seconds is too long. If your subject seems uncomfortable, or The Cranberries cue up in the background, your linger is too long. Know when to let go. But remember, you want to give the other person plenty of time to hug and sniff you, too.
STEP 7: Blame it on your state and/or Southern Hospitality (I capitalize because it's an institution). If you come away from the Hug and Sniff with any residue of awkwardness, just say "I'm from [insert your state here]." Blaming it on your state of origin always works. Unless you are committing a crime or embarrassing yourself. Then keep the word "Texas" out of your mouth, please.
STEP 8: Refrain. This is NOT to be confused with the Scratch and Sniff. Unless we're talking banana-scented Trapper Keeper stickers, keep your fingers, and dignity, to yourself.
STEP 9: Remember, "I'm gonna squeeze the stuffin' out of you" is just an expression. At no point should stuffing actually come out of anyone. Please see last line of Step 3.
STEP 10: Reflect. The seconds immediately following a Hug and Sniff are perhaps more important than the maneuver itself. Great Hugs and Sniffs in history have been ruined in the 10th step. Never follow up with "God, you smell good," "I'm your biggest fan," or "Can I have your autograph? Right here...so I can have it permanently tattooed on my body?" Even if you are on Team Jacob and just hugged and sniffed friggin' Jacob. DON'T ruin it! The Hug and Sniff IS the reward. Sometimes, it's just best to break and stare into each others eyes while backing away slowly. In silent and mutual recognition of what just happened.
You might ask "Can a Hug and Sniff be repeated?" Yes, on rare occasions. And then, only if you hug and sniff to the other shoulder. But this is more the exception than the rule. Never assume a second unless you are European or a stalker.
If you would prefer a live demonstration of the perfect Hug and Sniff, please contact the inventor (that would be me) at Jonezie127@gmail.com.