The iPad is ruining my life.
Maybe "ruining" is too harsh a word.
The iPad is further complicating my life.
Who am I kidding? I appreciate complicated.
I cringe to tell you this. Cringe. But Oprah made me do it. Oprah made me buy the iPad.
After my 80's involvement in the crimes of frosted lipstick, Aquanet bangs, and pinch-rolled jeans (the worst), I vowed never to be a blind follower again. And, until last week, I've made good on my promise.
I've purposely never watched an episode of Oprah's Favorite Things. Sorry, Oprah, but bah humbug. If you jumped over a cliff, would America go with you? Methinks yes. And if you were pinch-rolling your denim, peg legs, here we'd come.
But if you think I'm not an Oprah fan, my DVR begs to differ. As we speak, it's 68% full. Full of Oprah. The Oprah Show, Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes, Oprah Presents Master Class...with just a peppering of Ellen, Shatner's Raw Nerve, and The Goodbye Girl to make things interesting. Variety, as you know, is the spice of life. But it's Oprah who currently claims approximately 60% of my Moxie box and heart. So when she broke down in nationally televised tears about her favorite Favorite Thing, the Apple iPad, on Behind the Scenes...I was swayed.
So, off to acquire Major Apple Product #4 I go. Major Apple Product #1 was my first bite of Apple...the Formula One of computer racing...the 17" PowerBook G4. Which I've guarded like the Pope's ring. No one is allowed to touch my now obsolete aluminum encased technology. Once (taking a deep breath), I discovered a scratch on the bottom. I immediately (i.e. when the doors opened the next morning) took it in for repair. The woman behind the service counter scoffed and handed it back - "You don't want to replace the case. It's just a scratch." To which I replied, 7% verbally, 93% non-verbally, "Fix it. Fix it now."
Then came Major Apple Product #2. The iPhone. Which has actually become a permanent appendage. And my favorite child. Once, I lost him in Target and ran screaming through the aisles, something to the effect of "A dingo ate my baby!" I retraced my steps and found him sleeping in bedding.
Then I really did lose him. To a tragic accident. When I tried to sneak a 32 ounce iced tea into an afternoon matinee. I drowned my baby. And don't even say Otterbox to me. He was drowned in a Otterbox. I guess nothing protects you from 32 ounces of moral turpitude.
Needless to say, Major Apple Purchase #3 was iPhone #2.
Which brings us back to speed...my fourth Apple infant, the iPad. Thinking I could never love another child like I loved my second, I was worried. But Oprah freakin' cried about it. I wanted to weep, too. To feel the love of new technology just one more time. Or at least be able to say to my children's children, "Yes, I had the first iPad." I wondered if that would be, to them, like owning the first abacus.
So I bought and brought the newborn home. Imagine that, my iPhone didn't even seem jealous. I think he knew he would still be the one sleeping next to me at night.
But you can't just buy the iPad. It needs, first and foremost, to be hermetically sealed and protected from all potential scratches with a perfectly positioned layer of Zagg InvisibleSHIELD. The stuff, if you don't know, is magic. Well worth the $29.99. But not easy to put on. Still, as I've coated everything but my Shih Tzu with it, I could qualify as a professional installer.
Next comes the skin. I mean, a girl's gotta personalize. I may have the same 9.7 inches of cutting edge technology as a million other people on the planet, but I want to be the only one sporting it in matte finish black wood grain. Very hot. But there's a kink...the skin looks AMAZING on the back of the iPad, but not so great as a frame on the front. So I decide to ixnay the front and just keep it on the back. Well, guess what? That's right. As I slowly start to peel the skin off, along comes the Zagg. The expression on my face looks remarkably similar to the one on the nurse's face in the original V, when the mother gave birth to a lizard baby. Now ask me how many attempts it took me to successfully apply a second Zagg layer. Four. That's 4 x $29.99. But I was determined not to be defeated. Determined! And it paid off...I am now "Elizabeth Jones, writer and professional Zagg installer." I could rock your world. If you're into clear coat.
The moral of the story is...sure, I caved. If Oprah went over a cliff, I guess I would have, too. Note to self: "You're just beginning to find your own voice, to think your own thoughts. That's huge. Stick with it." Still, I'm glad she cried me into buying. I wouldn't trade Baby #4 for anything. He's sleeping now, next to his brothers, in his glossy white crib. He has the cutest little baby snore.
Why do I love technology? Always and forever.