You know that warning, "OBJECTS IN YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR MAY APPEAR CLOSER THAN THEY ARE?" Well, orthodontists should also come with a warning..."ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN YOUR MOUTH IS GONNA FEEL MUCH WORSE THAN IT ACTUALLY IS."
The braces are on. And I bear a striking resemblance to the scary pig-tailed girl in Finding Nemo. I am convinced there are three situations you can use to test your reaction to anything else life might throw at you:
1)Spend an hour or two at the gate waiting for your flight to arrive at Burbank International Airport. Pay special attention to your insides when the other passengers start to line up and the couple with the McDonald's sack tries to cut in front of you after you have been sitting there for the last hour and a half.
2)Get a puppy. And notice your behavior over the next three months as you potty and obedience train said puppy. Nothing tells you more about yourself and your ability to effect change like a Shih Tzu that won't down stay.
And 3) Get adult braces when you've never had braces before.
My orthodontist...well, she looks like a duck and quacks like a duck but she's really the grim reaper. Complete with scythe. Here's the thing...I'm the kind of person who has a relationship with my dentist. Like I have a relationship with my auto body guy. And my dog groomer. And my Korean body scrub Messiah. I've gone to the same dental hygienist every three months since I was 15 years old...Linda...and I still go to her whenever I'm home. She makes my teeth sparkly clean, we talk about dogs the whole time, and then, at the end, Dr. Midkiff comes in and they both squeal in delight at how beautiful me teeth are. Seriously...there is dental squealing.
Then there's my orthodontist. Don't get me wrong...she's very nice. But she's a bomb dropper. She always has something bad to tell me...and at the WORST possible moment. For example, one day she asks, "You know you have these black spots on your teeth?" WHAT?!? You want to see me do the Chicken Little? Tell me there are black spots on my teeth when you've got the jaws of life in my mouth and have me strapped to an orthodontist's chair. 40 minutes LATER, when the jaws of life come out and I can finally screech "The sky is falling!!!," she assures me it's only one spot, not spots plural, and it may not be anything. It doesn't help that the lights in an orthodontist's office look surprisingly similar to the ones in women's dressing rooms and I want to kill myself whenever she hands me the hand mirror. Justin Bieber would look decrepit in that light. Needless to say, I break 10 traffic laws driving to my dentist. It turns out to be a cavity...the second one in my life...and so miniscule the dentist fills it without even giving me a leather strap to bite on.
On the bright side, braces may be THE BEST diet secret ever. Most times, it's not worth the effort to eat. Do you know how long it takes to brush and floss with braces? Forever. Plus 45 minutes. And you have to eat everything in one of two ways: You can swallow things whole, like a snake. Or chew it 60 times. I'm currently experimenting with both and will let you know.
In other news, my mom will be here in less than 48 hours. I've scheduled something fun for every day. And I made her an appointment for a deluxe Korean body scrub on Saturday. She's already fretting about being "nekked" (that's how she pronounces naked) and has purchased underwear just for the occasion...so she won't have to wear the paper ones Miss Lee hands out. My mom comes from a family and time when people would shower with their clothes on if they could. So this should be a barrel of laughs.